What If...

Middle age is providing me with all the challenges I expected. The thinning gray hair is a way of life, I now gain weight just by looking at food and my reflection in the mirror is showing signs of forty plus years. What I did not expect is intense retrospection.

I find it fascinating that minor incidents can have a profound effect on how we see life. It is difficult not to look back at my life and wonder “what if.” The “what if” in my life involves reacting more often with kindness, compassion and forgiveness rather than the alternative. This is not a guilt thing. I don’t believe I am a bad person, just a flawed one. I have made some terrible mistakes. Looking back, almost all the great things that occurred in my life happened when I was kind, forgiving, compassionate and loving. I can also testify that most of the bad things happened when I was angry, jealous, bitter and hateful. What if I expressed the good emotions more often than the bad? How different would my life be?

It is obvious that acting with kindness and love is far superior to the opposite. Why then don’t we do it more often? It is because of our ego. We use it like a shield to protect ourselves from hurt. We project this shield to quell our deepest fears of hurt and rejection. Many view vulnerability as a weakness but this is far from the truth. Our world is paradoxical. Real strength is shown when you are vulnerable and there is no greater false strength than ego. It is my opinion that acting out in anger is a defense mechanism, the ego raising its shield so to speak! How would a situation change if we had the courage to say I am hurt or I’m scared of losing you? We should not be afraid of just letting our true feelings surface. It is regrettable that our lives can be shaped and our destiny rooted by protecting our ego. We lose friendships, family and personal relationships because we never express our true feelings. It is tragic to let love go unshared just to avoid hurting our ego. It is time to drop the shield.

The “what if” concept of looking back at life really got me thinking. A good start is being more vulnerable and less protective of you. Where do we go from here? What is next? It finally occurred to me that the most powerful force we all possess is the spoken word. Words have a great impact and a lasting effect upon others. How we speak to others can have monumental consequences. In life, who hurt you the most? Who had the most positive loving effect on your life? It comes down to the spoken word and words last! When I was in the eighth grade, I had a falling out with the so-called “cool” crowd. The situation turned nasty and at one point these individuals were making fun of me calling me various names. I can still feel the pain as if it were yesterday. On a lighter note, I also remember when my eleventh grade girlfriend told me she loved me. It still brings a smile to my face. Words wield power. They are suggestive and can be used positively or negatively. Looking back, I would have done things differently. I should have told my parents that I loved them a lot more than I did. In past relationships, I used words in a way that left scars. I retaliated with words when I felt hurt or threatened. I should not have used words as weapons but to express my love to those people I care most about. We need to remember the impact of our spoken words and we must choose them wisely.

My final analysis is a look back on my actions. This area is the most difficult as we all have behavior we wish we could change. When I was 21 years old and attending Chiropractic College, I met a beautiful southern girl from Stone Mountain, Georgia. Her name was Nancy and she was kind, soft-spoken and innocent. I never heard her say anything mean or negative. We dated while I was in school and we loved each other. She wanted to get married and stay in Georgia. I knew my future was in New York and marriage would be to my chiropractic practice. I broke her heart when I left to come home. Through the years we stayed close and kept in touch even after she married. One day the phone rang and it was Nancy. She asked if I would come and visit. I knew something was wrong and she told me she had brain cancer. I left the next week for Georgia and visited with her family. I even met her husband and children. We all sat and talked and slowly people started to leave the room until we were alone. We walked out back into the woods holding hands and reminiscing. Nancy was now 35 years old and chemotherapy and radiation had ravaged her body. To me she was as beautiful as the day we met. She thanked me for coming to see her and went to give me a romantic kiss. I was taken aback and my instant reaction was to push her away. She apologized but I could see the hurt in her eyes. I assured her it was fine and I ignored the incident. Soon it was time to go and I told her to be strong so she could beat the cancer. I think we both knew that I was lying and we would never see each other again. We both cried as I left. I can still see her waving good-bye. Nancy died a few months later. Many years later, as I look back to that day, my understanding of the events has changed. Time has given me a new perspective. After Nancy’s death, I spoke to her mom and she told me I was Nancy’s true love. It was no accident that her family left the room when I visited. They wanted to let their dying daughter see the boy she loved so many years ago. I do know one thing for sure; I should have kissed her! Some nights I stay awake wishing I had another chance. In life there are only so many chances to love. I missed it and there is no second chance. Looking back, I just should have done it. Damn the morality, I just should have kissed her!

I believe it is a very good thing to look back at life and ask “What if?” Acting with kindness, being vulnerable, choosing our words carefully and revising our actions challenges us to grow. To question our past helps us enhance our lives in the future. I wondered how life would be different if you went back and could make changes. You can never go back except in your mind. That’s the point of this column. When we examine our past and the things we can’t change but wish we could, we become more aware of the next opportunity. The second chance. World history teaches us that nations who forget their past tend to repeat it. This is true for the individual as well. If we don’t look back at our lives and accept our mistakes and learn from them, we tend to repeat them. As I look back on my first forty years, there are too many times I wished “What if?” If I get another forty, I want to look back when it’s over and say thank God “I did!”